How To Shame Yourself Into Success In Every Area Of Your Life

This program is brought to you by the ThePodcastFactory.com.

Hi, my name is Igor Kheifets and this is the List Building Lifestyle, the only podcast
which delivers cutting edge conversion strategies from the online trenches straight to
your earbuds. Download the transcript of today’s episode and all future episodes at
listbuilidnglifestylesshow.com. I also invite you to grab a free copy of “The Wealthy
List Builder’s Survival Guide” at listbuildinglifestyleshow.com/survival and now
once again it’s time to claim your List Building Lifestyle.

Jonathan: You are listening to the List Building Lifestyle Show. Welcome back List
Builders to another edition of your favorite show on list building with the man,
the myth, the legend, Mr. Igor Kheifets.

Igor: What is up, Jonathan?

Jonathan: I’m feeling good, but we had a funny moment just off the air that I wish
we could have shared with the listeners genuinely, but you’re just reminding me
how we’ve been recording this show for a year now, man. It’s unbelievable.

Igor: Yeah. It flew so fast. The older I get, the faster time flies. I’m looking
at Erica right now, and she’s four. When did that happen? And then I spoke to a
friend of mine and he says, “Well, my kids are like 18 and 20-something right
now.” and I’m feeling the exact same thing, like, “Oh, damn.” Man, this is so… I
don’t know, is it good or bad, man? Does it mean you’re enjoying it or it just
means that you’re bored when time flies?

Jonathan: I’ll tell you what it means. It means that things are good, because if
you can dig back into the back of your mind, way, way deep back there when you
were still an employee at those hotels, how long did a day take?

Igor: Oh, it took forever. I couldn’t wait to get off work. [laughter]

Jonathan: [laughter] So when it’s flying dude, you’re having fun. So that’s a good
thing.

Igor: Yeah, I guess so. Well, enough of pleasant memories. Let’s talk about
something disgusting.

Jonathan: [laughter] Okay.

Igor: I want to chat about shame.

Jonathan: Shame?

Igor: Yeah, shame. Like what’s your take on shame? Do you like shaming people or
do you ever felt ashamed of yourself?

Jonathan: Yeah, probably. I don’t really give a shit these days what anybody
thinks of me, so it’s hard to shame me. But I’ve seen it, and funny enough I had a
show I did with Michelle Spiva called, something to do with slut shaming, so I
thought it was kind of interesting. So I can’t wait to hear your take on this.

Igor: Well, I look at shaming from a standpoint of success, just like at any other
negative emotion. And so, I think shame is good. I think shame is incredible for
you if you want to become successful. Because that’s usually the pre-requisite
before you kind of get your shit together, in a way. So in other words, if you’re
somebody who’s been kind of slacking off and going on a wreaking havoc on your own
life, if you will, failing at this and that, ruining relationship and stuff, it’s
the moment when you shame yourself into recognizing the truth, that is the moment
when everything changed. That is the moment when you change your behavior, your
habits, your attitudes, and in general your approach to life.

Jonathan: So Igor, I want to ask, is that shame similar to the feeling of imposter
syndrome that some people have?

Igor: What’s that? I’m actually not familiar with that.

Jonathan: Oh, okay. So a lot of successful guys, even some of these great
copywriters, and these people that we all look up to, some of them have that idea
that they’re imposters and maybe they don’t deserve it, maybe they didn’t earn it,
maybe they’re just one failure away from losing their position. And it’s that
idea. And I know some people with this imposter syndrome where maybe they don’t
deserve what they have. Is that similar?

Igor: Oh, right, right, right. Well, I am familiar with that, because I suffer
from it for sure.

Jonathan: [laughter]

Igor: Every now and again I question myself and I say, “When am I going to lose
everything?” Like, “How soon is that going to happen?” Like as if it’s inevitable.

Jonathan: [laughter]

Igor: But it’s actually not quite that. I’m talking about the kind of shame you
feel when you look at your life and you realize you’re a fucking failure. I’m
talking about the kind of shame you feel when you’re 100 lbs overweight, or 40 lbs
overweight, and you strip yourself down, you’re butt naked, and you’re standing in
front of the mirror, and you look at yourself, and you’re disgusted. You’re
disgusted with your flabby self. You just look at yourself and all you want to do
is just punch yourself in the gut, and you want to just see a different person in
the mirror. That’s the kind of shame I felt when I decided to lose weight. I was
literally standing butt naked in the living room in front of the mirror, there was
nobody else home, it was just me.

Jonathan: [laughter]

Igor: Promise. Promise. And I basically looked at myself in the mirror and I felt
so ashamed, because that was the time when I was kind of hitting puberty and I
wanted to chase girls and stuff like that, so I just looked at myself and I said,
“Fuck. Nobody will want to have sex with you, and nobody will respect you.”
Because even at that time I recognize that if you want other people to respect
you, you got to first respect yourself. And you can’t even stick to a diet or get
your shit together and just lose weight and get fit. Why would anybody else
respect you?

Jonathan: You’re human? [laughter] Alright. You know what? You got me there.
Because like in business and all that stuff, I don’t necessarily feel that way,
but I have been in the very same naked in front of the mirror situation looking at
myself saying, “God, damn. Your belly looks bad. You’re a fucking slob.” So I have
felt that.

Igor: Oh, yeah. And back injury happened to me a couple of months ago. It’s
actually been more than six months. Again, time just flies. I was going to see
this chiropractor. The first time I came to see this guy, okay, he’s a Russian
guy, just like most professionals they see these days here in Israel, they’re
mostly Russians, so his name is Mikhail, and so I come and I arrive at Mikhail’s
home in the big city. And so, this is like, imagine the guy who’s like 7 ft or 8
ft tall, about, I don’t know, about 2 ft, maybe 3 ft wide. He is just like a
mountain of a man. He’s straight back. He’s sort of like the ex-Soviet army
officer.

Jonathan: [laughter]

Igor: He’s like straight up, very disciplined, hard-core, marine haircut, probably
in his 40s, and he’s like the Dolph Lundgren. Remember Dolph Lundgren?

Jonathan: Yeah.

Igor: He was exactly like that. And he’s super fit too. He’s just big and he is
fit, and he for some reason doesn’t put a shirt on when you come to see him.

Jonathan: Get out.

Igor: I kid you not. He’s just wearing these tiny little swim shorts and no shirt.

Jonathan: No kidding.

Igor: And so, I come in, and I’m flabby and I’m not fit, and I look at him and I
was like, “Oh, my God. Now, he’s going to ask me to take off my shirt and he’s
going to touch my back and he’s going to basically…”

Jonathan: Laugh at me.

Igor: It’s jello. There’s no muscles there. So when I started to see him and I saw
him a few times, looking at him I felt ashamed. Now, if I go to see him today,
that’s going to be a totally different feeling, because ever since I got fit I got
my shit together, I do pull-ups and exercise every day. I got actually muscles
now. I did not know they existed, but I do have muscles in a bunch of different
places even my buttocks.

Jonathan: Good for you.

Igor: I have like a really sweet ass right now, which I’ve been complimented on
several times. So, but there was shame. Shame was what pushed me. Shame and pain,
of course. The back pain was excruciating, so the pain and the shame just pushed
me towards becoming better and dropping all the bullshit. Because I used to hide
behind the “I’m too busy.”, “I don’t have time for that.” and “I want to go to the
gym, but maybe I’ll do it tomorrow because today I don’t feel like it.” You know
what I mean? This sort of procrastination that we hide behind whenever shit’s
getting real.

Jonathan: Yeah, little defense mechanism you got in place to make you feel better
about your shitty decisions.

Igor: Exactly. And so, this feeling of shame, as much as I hate it, I do celebrate
it. But only later on, once I’ve overcome, because without it I just wouldn’t be
able to be successful. I wouldn’t be hungry enough to strip myself from all the
bullshit and get real. And I think more people out there have to get okay with
shaming themselves and shaming their clients into action.

Jonathan: That’s just like you, Igor. You love that. Carrot or the stick,
Igor always takes the stick.

Igor: Always takes a stick. I’m a stick kind of guy.

Jonathan: [laughter]

Igor: [laughter]

Jonathan: So Igor, see, here’s the thing about that, and this is what I’m
wondering, because I try not to be negative, but I’m actually getting back in
touch with my negativity, because I think it does have a special power. How do you
get in touch with that without letting it consume you?

Igor: Oh, that’s actually a pretty cool thing. Really great question. Basically,
at some point, I learned to look at my brain as this bullshit mechanism. You see,
brain will play tricks on you. Good and bad. So in other words, whenever you feel
good about yourself, it’s a trick, and whenever you feel better about yourself,
it’s a trick. But you can use both in order to advance forward. So if you make a
decision beforehand, before anything happens, so you just sit down with yourself
and just make a decision that you’re going to use your brain rather than let your
brain use you, every time a negative emotion pops up you will be able to recognize
the opportunity. And so, oftentimes when I feel negative emotion, while most
people allow that emotion to consume them, and all they can focus on is the
emotion, I will try and go beyond that and ask myself, “What’s the opportunity
here? What’s the conclusion I have to make in order to advance myself? Because my
end goal, my desired outcome is to better myself at all times.” So in other words,
I try to imagine a finger pointing to the moon. And if you’re focused on the
finger rather than on the moon, you miss the point. So the negative emotion is the
finger pointing to the moon and the moon is what basically is behind it. It’s
where you’re supposed to arrive. And so, if you’re able to see beyond that, that’s
when you’re able to see the greatness and the beauty of the great moon.

Jonathan: Interesting. So looking deeper into what’s causing that. So there’s a
level of awareness that you need to have in order to separate yourself from your
feelings. So how did you arrive at that?

Igor: Well, practice, I guess. Remember I told you I was a part of this cult at
some point for six months. And they were big on self-awareness. And once you study
a lot, at some point you start picking up on this stuff. A lot of successful
people, they’ve got a good grasp on the obvious, and a self-aware person, that’s
what they have. They have this, I guess talent or privilege or skill to be
self-aware, to recognize their own bullshit. A great author I recommend checking
out on the topic is actually Mark Manson. He writes a lot about self-awareness, he
writes a lot about how the brain is just one huge bullshit mechanism, and how
you’re supposed to learn how to identify everything it throws at you and recognize
what’s useful and what’s not. His recent book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a
Fuck, it’s actually the real title. Highly recommend it because it dwells deep
into exactly how the brain tricks you and how it keeps you miserable.

Jonathan: Wow. So have you ever practiced meditation or prayer or any other stuff
where you just go in there and analyze your mind, or is this just something that
you have developed over time and practiced? How did you get here?

Igor: Well, I definitely tried practicing meditation. I could never stick to the
regimen, if you will. And the thing about meditation is that you’re supposed to
just observe your mind, rather than analyze it. However, what you do develop
through meditation is the ability to detach yourself from the mind. So rather than
seeing yourself as your anger or as your thoughts or as your identity of some
kind, you’re able to observe it from a third person view, if you will. And that is
what self-awareness is, is to recognize that you are not your emotions, you are
not your thoughts, you are not your achievements, you are not your image, if you
will. You’re sort of way beyond that because you’re capable of thinking about your
image from a much deeper level and have a different perspective.

Jonathan: That’s heady.

Igor: Yeah, we’re getting super-heavy.

Jonathan: Let that sit for a second. [laughter] Let that sit for a second. You’re
not attached to your thoughts, which makes you a more evolved creature. So you
have done some studying on the topic, and I’m glad you brought it down to that
level. So what are some other ways people can leverage that shame? Because I think
right now what I’m hearing you say is to leverage your emotion, whether it’s shame
or joy, find ways to leverage those emotions to get you closer to the moon.

Igor: Well, why don’t you just practically look for it? I mean, just sit down,
take a piece of paper and a pen or a pencil, and write down the ten or the five or
three things that you feel ashamed of. Then, recognize the opportunities in those
things, and then go and implement something to feel proud instead. Robin Sharma
says, “My fears is my gold.” It’s pretty much the same thing. So if you’re ashamed
about your weight, go and get it. If you’re ashamed about your income, go make
more money. If you’re ashamed about your email marketing skill, go and start
writing some emails, get practicing on that. If you’re ashamed about your
inability to detach yourself from your emotions, well go read some Mark Manson
stuff and get better at it, etc. etc. etc. So you can literally just use that as a
guide map. That’s your treasure map, if you will, and every X on it is something
you feel ashamed of. And rather than just, like most people, pushing it way down,
just bury it somewhere inside and get cancer ten years from now, why don’t you
instead recognize it, embrace it, and then do something about it.

Jonathan: That goes back to, I believe you’ve said it on the show before, I don’t
think it was just in personal conversation, but use that method all the time, like
pros and cons or what’s bothering you, and then you just start working towards
eliminating that. Isn’t that one of the tips that you’ve given us in a previous
show?

Igor: I think so. It’s basically a trick to sort of like confuse your brain and
get it out of the way. For instance, if you want to do something and you’ve been
trying to do this for a long time, but you couldn’t, you could ask yourself a
question. “Why am I guaranteed to succeed in achieving X?” Whatever that X is for
you. Then you just go ahead and list 100 reasons why. That’s your task just sit
your ass down and just keep writing until you come up with 100 reasons why you
will achieve, that you’re guaranteed to achieve this. And trust me, your brain
will come up with 100 reasons why that will happen. And then, the next step, it
will actually happen. Because you can go back on that. The brain will become aware
of the fact that it can make it happen and then your attitude towards achieving
this task happens. I’ve used this tactic against many, many of my goals that I
failed to achieve for years. At some point it finally clicked and I started using
it more often. So today, when I need to convince myself to sort of trick my brain
into believing that I can achieve a big goal, that’s what I do. I ask a different
question.

Jonathan: And it’s like the opposite side of that is the shame. One hundred
reasons why you won’t achieve that goal and then you get pissed off and want to
achieve it.

Igor: Oh, trust me, if you spend this time figuring out 100 reasons why you can’t
achieve something, you’re setting yourself back. That’s just a huge step back
because you won’t be able to undo this for a long time. Think about it, if you
make yourself aware of 100 reasons why you just suck. If I sit down right now and
I list 10 reasons why I’m a bad husband, what will that do to my self-esteem? What
will that do to my relationship? Of course, I could list like a couple of things
and then go work on them, but think how hard this to take in. Ten reasons why I’m
a bad husband. I’ll just depressed the hell out of myself. So instead, I’ll go
write ten reasons why I’m a great husband and then I will go and I will increase
those reasons. I will just do more of that, which is way more useful.

Jonathan: Got it, got it. Alright.

Igor: We’re just tricking the brain into believing all kinds of stuff that’s
useful for us.

Jonathan: Yeah, I like that. I think they’re calling these bio hacks these days.

Igor: Yeah, yeah.

Jonathan: When you’re messing with your brain and your body, it’s a new buzz word.
But anyways, don’t want us to take you off topic here. So I think unless there’s
anything else, we’re wrapping up another edition of List Building Lifestyle. Is
that right?

Igor: Well, almost. Basically, I just want to kind of go back and mention that
while you should be shaming yourself into changing yourself and into improving
yourself, you should also do just as much to shame your customers into changing
themselves. Because shame is a really powerful driver towards purchases. Shame
will drive your customers to buying your product if you do it right. So consider
to figure out all the ways your prospects are guilty of acting in a bad way and
shame them by showing them what they’ve done. And see them flock to you, asking
for guidance, literally handing you their hard-earned dollars, because they now
are too ashamed to look themselves in the mirror and admit that they got this
thing going on and they can’t really solve it without your help. But do it
ethically, of course. This works if you’re ethical or not ethical, so it’s up to
you to be using this responsibly for the better good of men and women. I can’t
stress enough. Actually, I’ll tell another little story. I showed a bunch of
people how to use these tactics to sell more and these people, one of them was
selling coaching programs in the Warrior Forum and the other was selling coaching
programs in Israel. So the first one, he used these tactics in a very bad way to
sell bad product. A bogus coaching. And he got off the Warrior Forum within three
to four months, got a PayPal account shut down. And I don’t know if he had any
lawsuits going on, but he definitely can’t use his name anymore. If he is ever
going to come back online only through a pen name, no photo, no nothing. He won’t
be able to do a video because he’ll be instantly recognized. Now, the other guy
had a collective lawsuit against him here in Israel. He again, used these tactics
to sell a very poor quality product and he never did anything to improve the
product, he just focused on the selling. And again, he paid the dear price of a
lawsuit. So whatever you do, I’m hoping that you’re shaming your prospects into
buying something that’s good for them, something that actually works. If not, you
will suffer the consequences. Karma’s a bitch, trust me. Jonathan: Now, there is a
note to close on. Alright. Another List Building Lifestyle show is in the can.
We’ll be back with you next time. Thank you for tuning in.

Thanks for listening to The List Building Lifestyle Show, make sure to subscribe on iTunes
or Google. Play to never miss an episode because who knows just one conversion tactic
we share on the show might double your list and double your business. Download the
transcript of today’s episode and all future episodes at listbuilderslifestyleshow.com and
don’t forget to claim your complimentary copy of “The Wealthy List Builder’s Survival
Guide” at listbuildinglifestyleshow.com/survival . This is Igor Kheifets until next time we talk, have a good one.

This is the ThePodcastFactory.com.